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i am sorry.

I've lost someone who I cared about deeply. I didn't realize just how important he was to me until he was gone. And what's worse, he hates me. I deserve for him to hate me too. I was beyond forgivable.

When a certain someone from my past called, someone who's been mentioned and dwelved over time and time again in the privacy of this journal, I answered. Time and again I answer. And I hate that I do. I hate it especially now because the last two times he's called, I should have been unavailable. But I answered the call, and proceeded to destroy my life in the process.

I've never been on this side of things before. I honestly haven't. And I absolutely hate it. I'd so much rather have my heart ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground, squished and contorted til it was beyond recognition than feel what I do now. All I feel is disgust, hate, loathe. Since when have I been this girl?? I didn't sign up for this.

Changes NEED to be made.

To you, though I know it doesn't mean anything, I'm sorry. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I am fully confident that you'll find it. <3

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I miss high school.  Senior year in particular.
I never thought I would say that.

Senior year was awesome though- escaped the craphole that was SFHS, kicked ass at the college, and had a job that I loved, one that introduced me to two people that are still two of my best friends to this day.  I felt comfortable in my own skin.  I knew who my true friends were (though few), and I was overall happy.  Maybe a bit naive, but happy.  Looking back, I haven't felt that happy since.

Since then, I've fucked up.  I screwed up my GPA, wasted a year at BSU (that is haunting me now in school).... I've fallen in love, and gotten my heart broken.  Big deal, I know.  Heartbreak happens to everyone.  But where I differed from most, I kept doing it.  over, and over again.  I kept falling for the wrong guys.  They were all the same type too.  The players, the ones who really honestly didn't give a shit about me.  I mean c'mon, my college sweetheart (of 3 years!) broke up with me via instant messenger, not once but TWICE.  After 3 years off and on together, I didn't even deserve to look him in the eye when he broke my heart.  And then, to find out, he had been cheating on me.  And, he MARRIED the girl.  I'm glad he's happy, but the fact that we were "friends" at the time that he proposed to her, and actually had the nerve to ask me how to propose.... I lost respect. BUT I've written this story zillions of times.  The next guy I trusted with my heart said all the right things, but actions spoke louder than words.  I knew I wasn't the only girl in his life, but I still put up with it.  Even to this day, he's fucked up my head.

After finding one decent relationship that ended up in a close friendship, I was back on my path of finding the losers.  The jackasses.  The heartbreakers.  I was ready to become the crazy cat lady.

But then I met him. 

He was different from the rest-- he said he liked me, and actually proved it.  Loved me, truly, deeply.  It was real, and it felt wonderful.  I fell fast, while still attempting to guard my heart, given my past.  With him, I felt beautiful, special, important.  I hadn't felt that way in so long.  I loved falling asleep in his arms, or talking to him on the phone until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  I woke up to long text messages, telling me how beautiful I was, how special I was, how much I was loved. 

I wasn't used to it. 
I had blocked the bubbly, cheerful, in-your-face Jessi from my self-concious.  I couldn't be the girl that was constantly all over her man, no matter how much I loved him.  And those feelings were there.  To this day I don't think he believes it, but I really do love him.  I have loved him the whole time.  I just didn't know how to show it in a way that was satisfactory to him, and yet comfortable to me.

And then I became the asshole. 
I had coffee one night with a guy friend of mine that I had kinda been talking to before this wonderful, terrific man had come back into my life.  And... things went too far.  We kissed.  I should have stopped, but didn't.  Heartless as it may be, I have no explanation for why I didn't stop things.  And to make matters worse, a few days later, we slept together.  I did this all behind my boyfriends back.  A few weeks later, I couldn't hold it in anymore and told him.  And him, being the amazing man he is, forgave me, took me back.  I didn't deserve his trust, his love, and he
continued to give it to me.

And then I blew it again.
I'd never cheated on anyone in my life.  Ever.  But a certain jackass of an ex boyfriend came back into my life, and I ran to his arms again.  Of course, he disappeared as he always did, but that was besides the point.  I had betrayed the man I loved, again. 

Despite my whore-ish ways.... he still believed in me.  But, I was an awful girlfriend.  I refused to open up to him like I should have, and was too stubborn to admit that I was wrong.  I wasn't willing to find that girl I had forced to dissappear, wasn't willing to bring her back.  He deserved her.  He deserved everything.  So..... we broke up, again.  And, though he had every right to leave me, I freaked out on him. 


Basically.... I was scared.  I still am.  even after all this time I'm terrified to give my heart away fully, despite how deep my feelings for him may be.  He deserves so much more.  We are friends now, and maybe someday we will be able to make things work again.  If not, I hope he finds better.  He deserves a girl 100 times more affectionate, supportive, loyal, and more wonderful than me.  I honestly don't know how to be someone who actually cares girlfriend, clearly. 

I always thought I deserved better than the jakes, the joes, eriks, and matts.... but I'm starting to realize that I'm more like them that I ever imagined. 

I know I can't go back to senior year, but I am desperate to find that girl from back then.  The bubbly, friendly, HAPPY girl.  The girl who loved others, but more importantly loved herself.  She's gotta be hiding around here somewhere.

Writer's Block: Study break

What are you studying or did you study in school? Is it related to what you want to do for your career?

I have a degree in Psychology.  But, I am back in school for an Elementary Ed degree....

I want to be a teacher, and maybe someday move into counseling in the school setting, so i hope to use both of my degrees.

Apr. 30th, 2011

same shit, different day.
idk.  just kinda whatever about things right now.

finished finals today (WOOT!) so maybe things'll calm down.

Writer's Block: Teenage dream

If you arrived at your front door and saw your first love standing there, what would you do or say?

My first love...... still not 100% over that one...... I would probably try to escape.  I still don't think I can face him.....
FUCK YOU.  You know exactly who you are.  Way to prove my theory correct.  I can't believe I fell for this shit again.  

I am so incredibly done.
Another failed relationship.  Except, this one was different.  Long story. 
Dear Jessi,
You've finally found a guy who wants to be with you, no questions asked.  It's been awhile.  Please don't blow it.

Your Heart